


Snakey Shenanigans

by queerbatnana



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pet Store, Flirting, Hanamaki the Hopeless Customer, Humour, Makki Has a Cat Fight Me, Manager Matsukawa, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Pining, Snakes, Terushima the Cheeky Employee, Thank God for Yachi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 18:24:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8255836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerbatnana/pseuds/queerbatnana
Summary: The first thing Hanamaki realized about his foolproof plan was that it was not foolproof. He had planned to just go into the pet store, get that particular brand of cat food his cat would only eat, and then get out. 
The first thing that stopped his plan was that the designated spot on the shelf for Cat Chow Yum™ was empty. He gave the empty grey metal a deadpanned look. 
“You gotta be kidding me,” he muttered.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is a request that's too long overdue and i accidentally wrote 3k stead of 1k whoops
> 
> the request was for MatsuHana working in a zoo or animal store, but only one of them is working here, so hopefully that's okay
> 
> SHOUT OUT TO [ SAPPHYRELILY ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphyreLily/pseuds/SapphyreLily) AND [ YOUR_FRIENDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_PIGEON ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon/pseuds/Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon) FOR BETA-ING AS MY BUTT IS GETTING KICKED BY GRAMMAR THANKS SO MUCH!!
> 
> ANYWAYS, ENJOY!!!

The first thing Hanamaki realized about his foolproof plan was that it was not foolproof. He had planned to just go into the pet store, get that _particular_ brand of cat food his cat would only eat, and then get out. 

 

The first thing that stopped his plan was that the designated spot on the shelf for Cat Chow Yum™ was empty. He gave the empty grey metal a deadpanned look. 

 

“You gotta be kidding me,” he muttered.

 

He wondered how much it would hurt if he just smacked his head on the plastic sleeves for the price tags. 

 

“Hello? Can I help you?” a smooth voice suddenly said, making Hanamaki jump a foot into the air; he had not heard anyone approach. 

 

“Wha—” Hanamaki turned around, coming face to face with an employee who was carrying a snake. A thick black snake with brownish markings that was contently wrapped around the employee’s arms. 

 

Hanamaki could say that he did not squeal like a pig, but the truth is, he squealed like a pig. 

 

The employee frowned and struggled to balance the wriggling snake back in his arms. 

 

“Sshh, Spaghetti, it’s okay, nothing’s wrong, everything’s okay,” he cooed at the snake. 

 

For a moment, Hanamaki’s soul extended out his body and it saw a twenty-seven years old strawberry blond man with horror stricken on his face as a tall handsome employee with curly dark hair and half-lidded eyes cooed and cuddled a ball python named Spaghetti at the time of 7 am.

 

“Um, are you alright?” the employee’s voice cut in and Hanamaki’s soul crashed back into reality.

 

Hanamaki realized that he was still standing in a defensive position. He straightened up and coughed lightly. 

 

“Um, I need more of Cat Chow Yum?” Hanamaki’s usual inward gag at the name was suppressed as he tried to look a nonchalant as possible while eyeing the nearby reptile. 

 

It flicked a thin pale pink tongueoutwards, hissing lightly and Hanamaki failed in trying to contain a tiny “eep!”

 

The employee nodded and moved closer. Hanamaki stumbled backwards and the employee ignored his awkward escape to reach for a bag on the top shelf. 

 

“Here,” he said, handing the sack to Hanamaki, “sorry about the empty shelf, I was about to restock.”

 

Hanamaki nodded in understanding, eye catching on the white name tag on the employee’s apron. _Matsukawa,_ it read. The snake hissed again and Hanamaki took a step back.

 

“Well… I’ll… just be going, I guess,” he said, pointing to the row of cashiers.

 

Matsukawa gave him a small smile and turned around, bringing the reptile in his arms back to the display where the rest of its friends were. The other snakes were unmoving, some of them tanning themselves under the heat lamps while others were frozen in one spot. 

 

Hanamaki swore they were staring at him hungrily with their beady eyes. 

 

He hurriedly walked over to the clerks and paid for the food, getting out of there as fast as he could. He hoped that he didn’t look too much like he was running away. He hoped that he wasn’t blushing too noticeably either.

 

*******

 

_Matsukawa,_ Hanamaki mused as he scrolled through his local pet store’s website. No, he was not stalking his not-crush. Nope, not at all. 

 

His finger froze on the mouse as information on the manager showed him a picture of Matsukawa, all handsome features right there on the screen. Dark curly hair that he was sure was soft under his fingertips, warm half-lidded eyes, thick eyebrows that complimented the rest of his features, and probably best of all, a small tentative shy smile.

 

_Matsukawa Issei,_ Hanamaki read, _can be contacted at (xxx)xxx-xxxx._

 

“Issei,” Hanamaki said, letting the soft syllables roll off his tongue. 

 

A “mew” drew his attention to his right, his Persian cat leaping from his bed to his desk, stepping lightly between stationery and plopping onto his keyboard. Over the top of her white fur, Hanamaki could see the screen of his laptop jumping around, no doubt from the random presses of the keys from his cat’s weight.

 

“Tooru, this is all your fault,” Hanamaki said, even as his hand petted her back soothingly. Tooru blinked her wide luminous eyes at him and yawned, showing off pinks and whites. 

 

Hanamaki only sighed and dropped his head beside her, letting Tooru’s purrs calm him.

 

*******

 

“Tooru!” Oikawa cooed as soon as he stepped into Hanamaki’s condo, immediately giving the cat his entire attention. Tooru the cat purred loudly, content and in utter bliss at the way Oikawa was scratching behind her ears.

 

Hanamaki glared at them, trying to decide if naming his cat after Oikawa should be a regret or not. “Both of you are traitors. You should be helping me, not giving each other attention.”

 

Oikawa stuck a tongue out at him, scooping up Tooru and carrying her deeper into the house with a cheerful skip in his step.

 

“Why don’t you let me carry you?” Hanamaki hissed at Tooru as they passed by, but she only meowed at him. 

 

Iwaizumi patted his back in comfort as he passed by as well, following Oikawa into the living room. 

 

“So, what did you want to talk to us about?” Iwaizumi said, taking a seat next to his boyfriend. 

 

Bless Iwaizumi, bless him and his entire being. 

 

Hanamaki took a deep breath from where he was standing, “Well, I have a crush.”

 

Iwaizumi and Oikawa immediately looked at each other. Without a word to one another, they got up and walked out of the apartment, Iwaizumi holding the door open for Oikawa and letting it slam behind him. 

 

Hanamaki got over his shock in several seconds, grabbed a package out of his fridge, then chased after them. 

 

“Wait!” he yelled. “Come back!” 

 

He waved his arms back and forth, trying to rustle the plastic in his hand as loudly as he could. Down the hall, he could hear Tooru’s light meows and Oikawa murmuring, no doubt complaining to Tooru about Hanamaki. 

 

“I have milk bread!” he yelled in a desperate attempt when he started to hear frantic jabbing of the elevator button.

 

He could hear Iwaizumi’s hushed pleading of something along the lines of “Be strong, Tooru, be strong” and Oikawa’s frantic whispering of “But I can’t ignore the call of milk bread, Hajime!”

 

He grinned when they came back, Oikawa with a pleased expression and Iwaizumi with a defeated one. Ushering them back into his apartment and dodging Oikawa’s attempts at stealing the package, he locked the door and stood proud, handing over Oikawa his treat. 

 

Oikawa glanced at the tantalizing dessert and Tooru lying snuggly in his arms. He looked pleadingly at Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi sighed and took the package, unwrapping it and letting his boyfriend take a bite from the scrumptious bread. 

 

“Alright,” Iwaizumi said, “we’ll help, but no crazy ideas this time.”

 

Hanamaki pouted. “Those weren’t crazy ideas! They would’ve worked perfectly if the universe liked them! Also, Oikawa stop trying to steal my cat.”

 

Iwaizumi sighed and rolled his eyes. “Whatever. So, who is he?”

 

“Well, he’s this employee at the pet store that I met last Saturday, well sorta met, I mean, he helped me get Tooru’s food when I couldn’t find it and he’s really cute and he has this really nice smile but— oh no! He doesn’t even know my name! Do you think he’ll still want to go on a date with me? What if he doesn’t want to go with a nameless stranger and I—”

 

Iwaizumi held a hand up to quickly stop him. “Okay, stop, we get it. You just met the guy, think he looks nice, and you want to know him better. Great.”

 

“What do you have in mind?” Oikawa asked around his mouthful of bread. 

 

“I’m glad you asked,” Hanamaki said, producing a piece of paper from his pocket.

 

“Nothing that involves karaoke, water, or the outside unless it’s a picnic,” Iwaizumi said quickly.

 

Hanamaki frowned, quickly scanned the items on his list, then promptly threw the paper over his shoulder. “Fine, then what do you suggest?”

 

“What about a nice dinner date? Nothing fancy, completely normal.”

 

Hanamaki groaned. “Iwaizumi, that’s so boring.”

 

“It’s better than your idea of a midnight karaoke double date at the beach.”

 

“Come on!” Hanamaki protested. “That was one of my better ideas. It was supposed to charm the pants off my date.”

 

Iwaizumi glared at him. “We. Almost. Got. Arrested.”

 

“Okay!” Hanamaki squeaked, putting up both his hands. “A dinner date it is!”

 

“Don’t wear your fedora.”

 

“You’re no fun!”

 

*******

 

As it turns out, something harder than charming the man of his dreams was _finding_ the man of his dreams. 

 

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the complete truth.

 

The first time he went to the pet store, he had walk aimlessly around the store, trying to search for the attractive manager. Finally, an employee had taken pity on him, asking if he needed any help. Sheepishly, Hanamaki asked her about her manager’s schedule, hoping that he didn’t sound too much like a stalker. 

 

Yachi, the employee’s name, stopped silently freaking out when Hanamaki explained that he was trying to ask Matsukawa on a date, and no, he was not an axe murderer. She was so pale and frightened that Hanamaki would’ve laughed if he wasn’t trying to calm her down and convince her that he was not going to fight her. 

 

“6-2,” she relented after his explanation, “every Monday to Friday.”

 

So, the problem of finding Matsukawa was solved. That was until a new problem arose: for a manager of the whole store, Matsukawa was almost always in the snake section.

 

No matter how much courage he had in his 185 cm body, Hanamaki was afraid of snakes. Yes, he was avoiding. Not Matsukawa, of course, just the snakes- that Matsukawa liked to spend time with. 

 

Hanamaki didn’t think that he would ever dislike his fear of snakes as much as now.

 

*******

 

“It’s not faaiir,” Hanamaki moaned into the phone. 

 

On the other side, Oikawa snickered, amused by his friend’s suffering. “You know what they say, Makki. If he scares you and interests you at the same time, you should have sex with him and then see from there.”

 

“That’s not what they say!”

 

Oikawa laughed, a horrendous noise that makes Hanamaki wonder if Oikawa was a demon for the sixth time. 

 

“Are you sure you’re not a demon?”

 

“Makki!” Oikawa exclaimed, then gave a dramatic gasp. “I am offended.”

 

Hanamaki chuckles. “Anyways, did you know that—”

 

“That he is the cutest person ever? Yeah, I do, probably from the three thousand times you’ve already said that.”

 

Hanamaki frowned at the sass. 

 

“Well, he is!”

 

“Mhm, and when are you going to stop checking him out and actually ask him out on a date?”

 

Hanamaki choked at the words, and as he coughed as he dimly heard Oikawa worriedly say “Makki? Makki?”

 

“I’m okay,” Hanamaki coughed. “Just that, uh, I have a slight problem.”

 

Hanamaki could practically hear the wrinkles Oikawa must be giving himself from the frown he was certainly making. “What problem?” Oikawa asked. 

 

“Um, he likes snakes. Like a lot. A lot to the point where he practically spends every second with them.”

 

Oikawa was silent on the other end. Hanamaki fidgeted, getting up from the sofa where he was lying on and then lying back down. Finally, Oikawa made a noise.

 

“Hanamaki Takahiro: destined to never find true love because he’s scared of a couple of tiny harmless snakes.”

 

“Hey!” Hanamaki protested. “They are not tiny! They are like 5 feet long and as thick as my arm!”

 

“Hmm… not as thick as Iwa-chan’s arms,” Oikawa mused absentmindedly. 

 

Hanamaki groaned, even though he agreed with the statement. “That’s not helpful.”

 

“Mmm… I bet Iwa-chan’s _delicious_ arms are—”

 

Hanamaki hung up.

 

*******

 

“Hey!” a voice piped up just as Hanamaki was coming through the automatic doors of the pet store. 

 

Hanamaki glanced around quickly, startled by the outburst. His eyes fell upon the employee behind the customer service counter. 

 

“M-Me?” 

 

The employee, a young man with bleached hair and an undercut, laughed. “Yeah, you!” 

 

Hanamaki made his way nervously to the counter. “Yeah?”

 

The employee propped his elbows on the counter, wiggling his eyebrows. “So, you have the hots for our dear manager, huh?”

 

Hanamaki sputtered. “No! Well, yes! I mean, no! Uh, maybe?”

 

The employee let loose a laugh. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you! Name’s Terushima!” 

 

Terushima wrapped an arm over Hanamaki’s shoulder, then turned him in the direction of the snake exhibit. “Okay, so all you have to do is go right up to him, introduce yourself, and ask him on a date! Simple, easy, he’ll say yes. I guarantee it.”

 

Mind still reeling from the sudden change of events, Hanamaki nodded and strode over. He was actually going to do this. He was not going to chicken out. 

 

Terushima smiled real big as Hanamaki manoeuvred his way to the back of the store, putting up fingers as he counted.

 

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, ei—”

 

Hanamaki burst out of the aisle and came running back. “I can’t do this!” he whisper-shouted. 

 

Terushima laughed, roaring over Hanamaki’s helpless situation. 

 

*******

 

Terushima whistled as Hanamaki ran back to the counter again. “Nice!” he exclaimed. “Fifteen seconds, not bad.”

 

Hanamaki glared at him. “It’s hard, okay.”

 

Terushima gave him a pat on the back.

 

*******

 

“A full minute!” Terushima praised. 

 

Hanamaki didn’t even bother glaring at him for his questionable support like the other 17 times. He just groaned and slumped on the counter, face pressed into the metal. 

 

Terushima laughed. “Alright, alright,” he relented. “I’ll help you.”

 

That only got a small response from Hanamaki. He raised an eyebrow and looked up at Terushima. 

 

“You’ve already tried. It didn’t work.”

 

Terushima didn’t answer. Instead, he picked up the store phone and punched in a few numbers.

 

“Hello? Oh wait, ahem. This is the Cool Handsome Dude calling Matsukawa Issei to the counter,” Terushima ignored Hanamaki’s frantic hand waving and continued. “I repeat, calling Matsukawa Issei to the counter. Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome!” Terushima said brightly to Hanamaki as he groaned out loud. 

 

“Terushima, you bastard!” Hanamaki cursed. 

 

Suddenly, he shot up. “Wait, he’s coming here?!” 

 

Terushima snickered. “Yup.”

 

“Terushima, what did you do now,” a voice interrupted from behind them.

 

Hanamaki spun around and paled. It was the hot manager.

 

Matsukawa raised an eyebrow at him before turning to Terushima who had a Cheshire grin lit on his face. 

 

“What do you need me for?”

 

“Well,” Terushima started. “This _gentleman_ has the hots for mphf—!”

 

Hanamaki slapped a hand over Terushima’s traitorous mouth across the counter, not caring how desperate it looked. 

 

Matsukawa raised his other bushy eyebrow at Hanamaki. 

 

“Oh?” he said, addressing Hanamaki. 

 

Hanamaki’s heart flip-flopped. 

 

“And how is your cat doing?” 

 

Hanamaki’s eyes widened. “You remember me?”

 

Matsukawa chuckled, a deep vibrating tone that sent shivers down Hanamaki’s spine.

 

“Never seen someone so afraid of Spaghetti,” he answered.

 

Hanamaki flushed. He coughed. “Well, to be fair, it was a shock to see it right there.”

 

Matsukawa laughed again. “So, what do you need me for?”

 

Hanamaki fidgeted, wringing his hands. “Uhm, would you like to go on a date—”

 

Suddenly, there was an insistent beeping that filled the store. Panic immediately erupted from Matsukawa’s face.

 

“Oh, dinosaurs!” he exclaimed. “Kyoutani!” he proceeded to yell over the counter. 

 

Right away, another employee ran out of the back room, ferocious eyes determined to attend to the alarm. Together, they ran to the opposite side of the store, shoes slapping on the linoleum floor quickly. 

 

Hanamaki started after them, but then stopped, unsure if he should go after them or not. Terushima quickly waved him on after seeing his hesitation. 

 

“Go!” he shooed and Hanamaki sprinted after them. “Ah, young love,” he mused as he watched Hanamaki’s back disappear. 

 

A door creaked open further as another employee emerged from the back room. 

 

“Um,” Yachi said hesitantly, “wasn’t that the alarm that tells us that the snakes have escaped?”

 

“Yep.”

 

***

 

Hanamaki rounded the corner just in time to see half a dozen of wriggling snakes of all sizes on the ground. He barely got a shriek out before Matsukawa dumped a white and orange corn snake into his arms. 

 

“Hold Cottonball! Thanks!” Matsukawa shouted as he hurried to grab another one. 

 

“How do they keep getting out,” Hanamaki heard Kyoutani mutter under his breath as he attempted to capture another corn snake.

 

And then Kyoutani was gone, headed into the next aisle.

 

Hanamaki couldn’t take his eyes off the snake. He vaguely noticed Matsukawa rustling around, letting out small “Aha!”’s when he found another snake and then several “Hey! Get back here!” but that was it. 

 

Hanamaki could feel every inch of the snake’s slippery scales rubbing against his arm and he was suddenly glad that he had chosen to wear his nice dark purple long shirt that may or may not have shown off his collarbones. 

 

Then Cottonball flicked a vermillion tongue at him. 

 

Hanamaki screeched. 

 

Matsukawa looked over, concerned. “Are you alri—”

 

“ALL I WANTED WAS TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU!” 

 

Matsukawa stared at Hanamaki. Then he started to laugh, starting from a chuckle until he was full out busting a gut. 

 

“It’s not funny!” Hanamaki fumed, embarrassment clearing his head as he held the small snake in his arms out to Matsukawa. 

 

Matsukawa giggled and continued to laugh. Finally, Hanamaki huffed and started to walk towards Matsukawa, slowly and carefully, for fear of startling the snake in his hands. 

 

“It’s not—ack! A snake!” he started to retort before getting cut off. 

 

Before Matsukawa knew what was going on, Hanamaki was smacking into him and the both of them were falling over into an unruly heap.

 

They were silent for a moment before Matsukawa started to giggle at the hilarity of the situation. This time, Hanamaki couldn’t help but join in. That was until two snakes wormed their way from under Matsukawa’s limbs and popped up in his face. 

 

Hanamaki screamed.

 

*******

 

“So, Hanamaki, right?”

 

“Uh, yeah.”

 

“So, I guess you could say that… you fell for me?”

 

“Oh my God.”

 

“And yes, I’ll go on a date with you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> as you probably see, i had a lot of fun with this haha
> 
> if you want to see more of Tooru the cat, i have written (read: spewed) a bunch of hcs about her [here ](https://queerbatnana.tumblr.com/post/151625026405/because-im-a-sucker-ive-made-a-bunch-of) !
> 
> visit me on [ tumblr ](https://queerbatnana.tumblr.com/) !


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